“My family will take care of me.” How often have we heard that during the long term care discussion? This is a common sentiment, and it’s nice and warm and fuzzy, but in most cases is just not realistic.
First, let’s accept one very basic fact. Your family – your children, your spouse, your siblings – will be involved when you need long term care. What do you want that involvement to be? Do you want them to be forced to actually physically provide you with care, or do you want them to be able to pick up the phone and call the professionals? For most of us, the latter is the best option.
There are several reasons why “My family will take care of me” isn’t realistic. The first is simply that they have lives of their own. Is your daughter sitting at home today, waiting by the phone for you to call and ask for help? Not likely. Our children have careers. They have children of their own. They have mortgages, car payments, and other financial responsibilities to meet. They have social lives, they have school plays, and college expenses. How realistic is it for one of your children to put all of that aside to provide care for you?
Second, if you’re 85 or 90, your “kids” aren’t kids any more. There’s a pretty good chance that your “kids” are in their 50s or 60s, or even their 70s! How physically capable are they of doing the hard work of providing care? How is their health? I heard a story yesterday about an 87 year old woman who is taking care of her 63 year old, recently-disabled daughter. How well do you think that’s going to work out for either of them over time?
When you’re 85, your spouse is probably pretty close to that. Do you really think that playing the role of caregiver is going to be good for her? Or for him? Caregiving is emotionally and physically exhausting, and it takes a terrible toll on your family. One of the hard, cold facts about family caregivers is that spousal caregivers have a higher death rate than non-caregivers of the same age. And the older the family caregiver, the more severe the impact is. Is this what you want?
Finally, what do you want your family’s memories to be? Do you want your son or daughter to spend their last several months or years with you in the role of caregiver? As distasteful as it may be, can you picture your daughter bathing you? Keeping you clean? Close your eyes for a few moments and try to envision what that would be like. Yes, there are wonderful, heart-warming stories about family caregivers, but I’d suggest those stories would be even more touching if the physical act of providing care had been delegated to a paid professional, not done by the family member. The “care” is the hard part, being together is the part we want our loved ones to remember.
Your family will take care of you. The decision you need to make today is what you want their job to be. So, what’s your plan?
Kerry Peabody, Long Term Care Insurance Specialist