These tips are taken from the 70/40 Rule, a small and engaging booklet about communication sponsored by Home Instead Senior Care. Here are tips 7-10. You can finds tips 1-3 here and tips 4-6 here.
7. Raise the issue. Often there are issues that everyone knows are out there. Consider what you child might want to know, and if you have the opportunity to raise the issue, do it. A child might find it difficult to talk about a will. It’s relatively straightforward, though, for you to mention to your child that you have one and it’s all I order. If the topic is a difficult one, it is often helpful to “set the stage” by prefacing a conversation with “I want to talk to you about something…”
8. Defend without defensiveness. Your child may come to you with what seems to be an accusation – perhaps it seems like your child is saying that you’re not safe to drive anymore. Think about how to defend against this without defensiveness. Conflict and anger rarely change minds, but frank and constructive discussions can. Offer to take a driving test or a defensive driving course to demonstrate your competence. If a child is suggesting taking away your car keys, consider offering a compromise (you won’t drive at night; you’ll reduce your driving). Looking for places where you are comfortable meeting someone halfway will increase your chances of getting your own way on the issues most important to you.
9. Look for points of agreement.Even if you disagree with 90 percent of what someone is saying, don’t forget to point out where you do agree: common ground is a good starting point for resolving problems. Talking about where you agree also demonstrates that you’ve listened carefully to what the other person is saying.
10. Listen and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. When children come to you with an issue, it’s normally because they’re concerned and because they care. Even if you don’t like what they have to say, appreciate why they are saying it. Remember feelings you had for your parents when you were younger, and think about the trouble you might had had in raising difficult issues with them. Your child is feeling that same anxiety, so even if you disagree, look for ways to express your appreciation for their motivation. “I know you’re saying this because you care about me.” Expressing gratitude, caring, love and appreciation demonstrates your desire to maintain a positive relationship, no matter what the outcome of the current conversation.