When my older brother wouldn’t visit my dad during his last few weeks at the Veterans Home in South Paris, I was angry. I had to make the trip from Freeport to South Paris more frequently, because I wanted daddy to have someone from the family there for at least several hours every day, and our mom needed relief. Dad died, but the story continued. My mom fell two years later, and this time, my brother was at her hospital bed every other day.

Why? Because after dad died, we talked, and my brother told me how much he couldn’t stand watching my father fail, but the guilt he felt for not being there was even worse. So through my mom’s last days, he stepped up to the plate.

I wish I’d talked to my brother sooner, as soon as it became apparent that dad’s COPD was progressing . Family conflict over how brothers and sisters should deal with the care of an aging parent is so common  that Home Instead, one of Maine Senior Guide’s resources, has developed a guide to help siblings cope with the stress of family care giving and each other.

The program is called “The 50-50 Rule” and is designed to help adult siblings and their aging parents deal with the sensitive situations that arise as parents age and need assistance. The “50-50 Rule” refers to the average age when siblings are caring for their parents (50) as well as the need for brothers and sisters to share in the plans for care (50/50).

The guide covers topics ranging from: How do you divide workload with your sister to How can you reach agreement as a family on important topics to avoid family conflict? The Home Instead Senior Care network recommends that siblings make every effort to work with their parents to make decisions about important family matters such as caring for a parent, family inheritance, finances, and end-of-life issues such as estate planning. The guide features real-life family situations followed by ideas and resources to address those topics.

For more information on the 50-50 Rule, contact Mary Toppi-Beane in Caregiver Services at Home Instead in Gorham. You can reach her at mtoppibeane@homeinsteadmaine.com